


John Constantine Double Drabbles

by joaniedark



Category: Hellblazer & Related Fandoms
Genre: Dicks in strange objects, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-27
Updated: 2015-06-30
Packaged: 2018-04-06 13:09:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4222896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joaniedark/pseuds/joaniedark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of double drabble requests, consisting of a variety of peculiar requests.<br/>(Feel free to prompt in the comments!)</p><p>Current prompts:<br/>"Constantine gets his dick stuck in a toaster."<br/>"John tries to teach Chas a spell. It doesn't go very well."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Constantine gets his dick stuck in a toaster.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For my dear friend [Cillian](http://hungry-hobbits.tumblr.com/)

John had no idea what happened the night before, but it must have been something goddamn  _wild._

It didn’t matter though. Not now, at least. His current trouble was not one that some chanting and some salt could help with in the least. Maybe some butter, if he were looking for aid through condiments. He had to struggle to walk somewhat, carrying the shiny metal toaster in his hand as it hung heavily off of his flaccid cock.

_How the hell did he get it in there in the first place._

He got to the living room from the kitchen and knelt by a coffee table. He plunked the toaster down, staring at it for a moment. With a sigh, he took the stick of butter in his hand and started rubbing it along the metal slit. Bless Americans and their nice palm-sized butter sticks. Every time he tried to tug it out, the biting pain seemed to lessen slightly. Finally, sweet relief came as he slid out of the toaster with a quiet pop. He stood up slowly, cock still aching with pain and regret, and walked back to his bedroom.

Thank god Manny wasn’t here to see this.


	2. John tries to teach Chas a spell. It doesn't go very well.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For [Hellblazer-Writers](http://hellblazer-writers.tumblr.com/) drabble exchange

“Alright now. This is a simple one; I’m sure you won’t set the place on fire.”

Chas stared at John in disbelief. Simple, he says. It took them thirty minutes just to draw the pattern of salt on the ground. There were a dozen different components in the bag he held in his right hand, while he tried to simultaneously hold a knife and some runed wand in his left.

“Really,” Chas said, and John shrugged.

“Maybe not  _simple_  exactly, but the point is it isn’t as dangerous as some things I could have you do.”

“Really.”

“Mate, have I  _ever_  steered you wrong?” Chas was about to speak when John held his finger up. “Don’t answer that. Just say the words.”

Right, he was going to do this. It was about time that he got to be more involved in the magical process, that he got to  _contribute_  in a bigger way. That’s what these spell lessons were about, saving the world. He started to mumble the words he’d spent nights memorizing, dropping the components in order around him as he turned. The salt mandala started to glow, cycling through the rainbow at increasing speed. His heart beat rapidly, and he glanced over at John’s thrilled face.

Suddenly, bright violet sparks tore through the air. John cackled like a schoolboy as the circle became a tiny Guy Fawkes celebration, bright bursts of color flying around them. Within minutes it subsided, and Chas stood there in bewilderment.

“You had me summon fireworks.  _Indoors_.”

John smiled at Chas’ grimace.

“Yeah, you were actually damn lucky the house didn’t burn down.”


End file.
